How do you mend your broken heart?

It's not very easy being the way i am,believing in the endless possibilities love can bring. Sometimes I just need to give myself a reality check,that life ain't a pot of gold and love is built through struggles,pain and happiness.I ain't no perfect angel,just a flawed little something with a cracked little head.how do i mend my broken heart?Just by shutting the door. When will you ever learn,woman!!

When everything is a number..

I know you love me and I love you too, but what hurts the most is when everything is a number. I know you never meant it, I know you always love me, I know you would do anything for me, but what hurts the most is when everything is a number. I guess it's me, I'm no good, I'm a hazard, I'm a pain, I'm a nuisance, I'm a handful and I am so much more. When we argue, I have an ego and that scares me, because knowing you, ego is not exactly your best friend. I'm tired, yes I am, I'm lost in space, unable to set my footing, I don't know where I stand. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, I used to believe I could tell you how I feel without breaking your ego. I used to believe I could win my way to your heart, but it's no longer that way. You were once smitten by me, but now you are no longer. I'm just a little unwell, and I need you right here, maybe it's too much to ask. You lost your freedom when you met me, maybe it was wrong. But how can it be, when we smile so much? How can it be when I am so in love? How can it be, when you're the one who keep me going? and how can it be, when I smile waking up beside you? I wish you feel the same, I hope you feel the same but somethings are just a mystery. What can I say? When numbers breaks your heart.

Home Bittersweet House

It took me awhile to digest..maybe far too long, Living with someone you love yet feeling so lost.. Lost because of the sudden change, having parents who gave such bittersweet memories, I used to remember the barbie dolls, the mini pool, the sliding down from the car windscreen, giggles as we were tickled, laughter as we were chased around, but I also remembered the yelling, screaming, tears and pain. Every whip of the cane, the belt but nothing beats the piercing words. Feeling useless, hopeless and lost..that was what I remembered most from growing up.. Growing pains they say, this was literally. Being there as mommy tried killing herself, being there as daddy walked out of the house to be with someone else, well...those were just to least painful memories...Being blinded by love, by tears and pain... I remember the most intimate details of your other life, the most painful part of your words, I was never good enough not because you didn't know me, I was never good enough because I became too much of the both of you. I took after the both of you and such, I was never good enough. Played like a ball in between monkey games, turned into a reckless fool yet fault for my insecurities that were created by who you say? Me. Every fault, every mistake, every pain were brought upon myself. Those words were spoken without guilt, without remorse, without feelings and then you ask me, how can I be so cruel? My hopes and dreams as a little girl playing barbie dolls, to get married and to have a family, all shattered into pieces by you..YES YOU..and when I speak, my voice turns to deaf ears. Can't you see I am pleading for your help? Can't you see I am asking you to fix what you have done. The first people I've ever known, the first hands I've ever touched, Yes you, you turn me into this, and now I am pleading for you to save me from the pain you have caused but yet to you, you have done no wrong. To you, you have hurt no one. To you, your mistakes were nothing. Your faults have never hurt us, you have never hurt us. To the both of you, yes you. I am tired of pleading for help. I am tired of being blamed for how I am. I am tired of being not good enough for you. I am tired of listening to your excuses. I am tired of feeling lost. I am tired of believing you will realize. I am tired of believing in you. I am how I am because of you. It is your fault for how we feel, it is your actions that caused us pain, it is your thoughts that turned us into emotional wrecks. I am a lost child, I will never be good enough for you but I will be good enough for myself. I no longer care how much you care, I no longer care how you see me, I no longer care.I am good enough for myself. I will be better for myself. No more pleading, no more cries, no more tears.

Material girls

I live a life where I love pretty things,
but don't we all...But in this material world,
is it even possible to forget..

Everything from what we wear to what we use..
From clothes, to jeans, to BB and Iphone..PS3
and nintendo Wii...air cond and holidays...
it's all the little things of media now isn't it?

I am a material girl..but aren't we all...
either way, there is no way out..unless you live in streets
or like Adam and Eve.- A little too late for that, are we now.

Soul searching...inspirational or just crap shit?

It's 12.18P.M, a little ol' grumpy me just finished looking through for
jobs..I just thought to myself.. used to love to words, "soul searching.."

Someone always tells you that you have to do some soul searching..
Hang on..Wait a minute and chill the F* out..soul searching you say?

Is that even possible..I hate it when people say, you need to find
yourself..well..to be honest..if I really wanted to find myself..
literally..I'd look in the mirror. So, then again is soul searching
just the words of someone who wants to look smart or does it mean
something..?

Truth be..I have no idea...To me when someone tells me I need to find
myself..a.k.a "soul" I'd look lost because, honey knowing what we want
will never exist unless you are some ancient dude who just wants to sit
down at home and do nothing...which is almost impossible in today's society..

Being human, we change, we evolve, we progress...At some point we want this
and at some point as we move along we realize we want something else..so..if
soul searching, means looking for what we want in life...the answer is, everyone
wants to be happy, problem free and preferably very rich. Not happening because
life ain't a perfect fairy tale. Soul searching I shall conclude, is just
a little bull shit. You can't search your soul because only you know where it is.

Little Miss Meanie Bone

It's one of those days where I lie in bed and realize this diary
here has been untouched for god knows how long..

Had lunch with Vincent and Vatsi today, and funny, Vatsi mentioned
there isn't a single mean bone in me..in other words I'm a spine-less
little girl...

I lay in bed wondering what exactly was the meanest thing I've ever done
to someone..being a typical girl...

1. Bitching.. a definite...but creating rumors, never..I speak
from what I hear...but it's still bitching.
2. Getting itching powder and rubbing it all over, "what's that
girls name??"
3. Scolding people back in high school...hmmm...a definite yes..
4. Getting pissed at my sister..and asking her to go to hell...-that
sucked big time..
5. Going low blow on the once-upon-a-time relationship that wasted the
precious years of my life...
6. Eliminating the people I used to call friends..
7. Ignoring lame-asses and laughing at 'em..
8. Posting Ms.Q's picture on Facebook..
9. And many more that remains forgotten..-but I will definitely update
'em here..

My point is, how mean should a person be to be actually mean. I'm happy
this way because I don't want to live a life of guilt where I go around
torturing the wits out of every idiot there even if they deserve it. I'm
not God nor am I the authorities, biting 'em back right in the arse ain't
gonna get me no where..because if every idiot in the planet did that, this
world would be even more fucked up than it already is. Simple. One less. One
more. =D

I'm no angel, I'm no saint..I'm just me and I believe everyone should be
given a chance..People come and go..some stay to share their lives with
mine while some screw me over and walk away, but isn't that what life is about?
If every little thing was a perfect little world, then we'd all be pretty bored,
won't we? This is me, I may call myself Ms.Meanie Bone while other beg to differ..I may get screwed over time and time again..but in the end, I have the people around me to create the balance in my life..and mine in theirs. <3

Sanity

How do you tell when you no longer know of the little stories
behind the book of tales. Desire of dreams that fades away, isn't
it not a little rare? These dreams are made from the little minds
yet you cannot see what is the truth. Truth and dreams are these
desires or when rainbow shatters and none is seen.

Is this just desire or a dream from tales?